(Well, Duh Nicole.)
Let me explain- when thinking of having this baby; this one is only the first of, Lord willing, a gaggle. Meaning that out of all my future children this is the oldest, this is the first.
And this holds so much.
Why?
because its a known fact that you F-up your first one.
PROVE ME WRONG
M and I are the first in our families and it has shaped who we are as people tremendously. Now, I say this because as being the first in my family I dont know what implications being the middle or the last born hold, but I know what its like to be the first. I already have a unique bond with this child because of it. I already morn for this child because of it.
(Now everyone hold their judgment here-) I would say that M's parents had a better time raising him and (hold back) did a better job at it then mine did with me - BUT- they still screwed him up nonetheless! (Something they freely admit to, which I love them for)
But there in lies my agony. They are my proof that you can do everything in your's and everyone around you's power to raise your first with accuracy, and you will still make mistakes. Huge mistakes. But most important - Huge mistakes that you wont make with your following children.
Now, digging deeper, there are many things that I would not change about myself (or Michael) that are a direct result of being the first born. Being the Ginnypig. I admire the fact that my husband and I are strong willed people - but hope to God my three year old isnt. There are parts of me that love how independent I have always been - and there are greater parts that pray my child wont feel the pain of loneliness that it can bring. I want a child that will push the envelope and rock the boat but not know the struggle of being different. I want my child to have the creativity of it's father and the whit of it's mother but know what to do with it from the beginning. I want it to be an eloquent speaker but know when to hold its tongue (the latter trait it might have to learn from someone else besides it's mother).
I WANT MY BABY TO BE EVERYTHING LIKE ME AND NOTHING AT ALL
HOW DO YOU DO THIS? its like telling my baby
"I will hurt you"
"I will fail you"
"And I will do it over and over again!"
Can my first words to my baby be "I'm Sorry"?
Coming to terms with the fact that I might not produce a perfect report at work, or that my house isnt spectacularly clean, (I could go on), is one thing - but getting a grip on my inability to not screw up my baby is something I plan to take to my grave.
Since everyone else who normally comments wimped out I'll go ahead and be first this time! I'm not even here to try and prove you wrong on the "first-born being screwed up" thing because we both know that would be just a tad bit hypocritical. But somewhere in this blog you had a ramble about changing your entire routine due to being pregnant, right down to your household cleaning products. And you midwives told you that far less-perfect parents in far less-perfect circumstances have given birth to perfectly healthy babies. I believe the same goes for the kid emotionally. Yea you might mess up here or there but maybe having a stubborn mother that s/he likes to fight with will be what makes your kid strong and stubborn themselves (I mean this in such a good way). And even for all you've been through with your parents, it's clear that you now love and have a good relationship with at least one of them. Idk about Michael but I know you and I had some extreme circumstances that resulted in our screwed-up-ness. And even then, like you said, it has had it's benefits. The way I see it, as long as you feed, clothe, and love the kid they can't end up completely crazy... Anyway it's not until age 5 or 6 that they start catalogueing what you really do wrong so you've got some time.
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