Most Wanted

I talked with a friend today that I had lost touch with for close to six months or so, and when telling her of my pregnancy she did (or said, rather) the same thing that quite a few of you did when hearing our news - "Oh. Was this planned?"

Now, if you were not one of the ones to have enquired with the above question, you are easily one that could laugh at the asking.

Why is this? 

Because Hitler never had a better battle plan. 

Let me explain-

I wanted this baby more than life itself, more than anything I can ever remember tearing my heart open for. More than any other dream I had for myself. More than I wanted to marry Michael. 

Granted, I was, towards the end, in a state of desperation. 

I started our marriage scared shitless of getting pregnant (I was still a bit freaked out by the whole sex thing - and by witness of the entry below, I still have overhanging issues...). Then at about six months in, the idea of having a child with M someday was something I looked forward to. By about a year I said to myself, and M, that at about a year from that point would be a nice time to start trying. 

And by December 25th 2007 (roughly six months later) I could have told you my three most fertile days of the month, for the next year at any given time. I wanted a baby. 

That year was the hardest of my life - and I've been through enough, let me tell ya. 

I started out calmly. When M and I decided to send him back to school he had me under the impression that he had one school year left (I'm trying to hold in the screaming laughter I have at this moment as to not send my dog tumbling off the bed) and at that time I was all over being the supportive wife in this new venture (yeah it was all my idea and I basically kicked his ass back to school, live and learn) so I told M that "we can do anything for a year"

And thats how I proceeded with this chapter - until about February. 

To make the longest story of my live shorter(ish) - I spent 2008 coming to the Lord, kicking, screaming, swearing, (hmm, repenting), crying, EVERY DAY. multiple times a day. I wanted a baby. 

If you have to ask, why I didnt just get knocked up already?  This was due to the fact that my beloved and I were not quite on the same page when it came to starting a family. (we weren't even in the same library). And to his credit, he had valid reasons - or just one good reason - he wasn't and isnt working. 

So if he wasn't subduing, I wasnt allowed to multiply. 

Now, I'm all about A+B= give me a good reason, but there be no lack of logic like a women on a mission.

So our lives came to a crashing conversation on our couch late one night when M told me I was not going to get pregnant - and I told him though tears that he could keep talking (I think "out of your ass" was in there, but I digress) all he wants, but that I had more people praying then he did. 

I had an army. These are the people that did not ask me if my baby was planned.

So last year was some of the worst and darkest parts of myself that I've ever been though but through Him I am here. 

I know the story of my literal "sperm and egg" creation, and as much as my mom swears that I indeed was wanted, I know I most certainly was not planned. So moral of the story, I made it through a horrible year and - I would do it again, and again, and again, to be able to tell my baby it's story. 

I WANTED YOU! I BEGGED FOR YOU! I PLANNED FOR YOU AND I HAVE NEVER LONGED FOR ANYTHING MORE THAN YOU IN MY LIFE!

And yes, your daddy loves you too :)

My sister Sammy Lynn had said something to me in that year that became my mantra. "The Lord knows the desires of my heart."

He did

and He does

and my prayers are still everyday, multiple times a day

because now I have a whole new list of worries - and I'm just weary of  Him using the same tactics as last time - because it worked

but hey Man, if kicking, screaming, and swearing is how  you want to play - I'm there!

-this thing doesn't even know how to talk back yet! I'll meet You there-